When I was a kid I thought of myself in very literal terms, as many kids do. I was a girl, a daughter, a student, a kid, a Catholic. All of these definitions of myself already had definite connotations derived from my American cultural experience. I didn't have to think too hard about who I was because my surroundings and the people there within it told me who I was.
When I was an adult, very little changed. I thought I was making my own choices based on who I was but have since figured out I was just doing the same thing I did as a child: Defining myself by what society, family, school, church expected me to be. I became the good little citizen girl all grown up. I was a woman, a sister, a teacher, a mother, a Mormon. I was miserable. I knew I'd lost myself somewhere along the way, but I wasn't exactly sure, to use a Mormon term, where the "slippery slope" began. All I knew was I had to get out, get out of my life determined by others. I left the Mormon church and my marriage. Some may not think that was the wisest of moves. Maybe not. But it was necessary at the time I chose it.
How I see it sometimes, and for most, is divorce is change. I believe one limiting belief we're fed by society is that divorce is failure. Is it? Or is it just change? Now that we have the highest divorce rate ever, it's time to really look at what divorce is to those who are experiencing it. Since a majority of people are either divorced or children of divorced parents, it's time we allow for other definitions of divorce to come forward. Divorce is hard enough without the nagging voice inside your head telling you what a failure you are because your marriage didn't work out. Another limiting belief circulating is that people don't change. They don't? Of course they do. Change is a part of living. Change in fact is part of living a full life.
Accepting change, allowing it to happen, in fact allowing life to happen without trying to control the free will of others is probably the best remedy for the pain of divorce, even hostile ones--especially hostile ones. I'm one of the lucky few. I experienced a fairly amicable divorce, painful yes but respectful of one another's needs eventually. We definitely employed a lot of forgiveness. We had to for ourselves and our kids. I believe all divorces can be this way. If people accept the change divorce brings into their lives and don't see themselves as failures as a result of divorce, then what happens to more than half of marriages can just become change we all learn to roll with. This is especially important for the kids involved.
Divorce is horrific for kids. When parents who are divorcing cannot get along in front of their children, their children get to live the pain of divorce over and over again. Don't fight for your kids sake. Grow up emotionally FOR YOUR KIDS. Quit being broken, angry individuals, especially around YOUR KIDS. My God isn't it bad enough for them? Yes it's bad for you too BUT you're the adults. Act like adults. Protect your children and tell yourself this is just a change, a big change, but you will survive and can help your children thrive by respecting their other parent. Do it. Start today. Change. Just because society, your friends, your church, your family, whomever it is in your life is defining divorce as failure doesn't mean you have to accept that definition.
You don't have to think of yourself as a failure because that's what you've been taught to believe people who get divorced are. We are not failures. We are moving forward in a direction that is very different than the one we thought we'd be moving in when we first got married. Nobody marries to divorce. But I'd just bet the number one cause of divorce is not marriage as the joke suggests, it's change. And change is inevitable.
Again how I see it is, since so many people are divorcing and influencing the lives of others in their everyday interactions, wouldn't it be better to empower all divorcees with the word change instead of failure? I think so. Or at least that's how I see it today.
