How I See It Sometimes: On empty nesting: Getting it right requires getti...

How I See It Sometimes: On empty nesting: Getting it right requires getti...: The father of my two sons and I high fived each other the other day.  Big time.  We didn't do failure to launch.  No way.  And we knew i...

On empty nesting: Getting it right requires getting out of the helicopter

The father of my two sons and I high fived each other the other day.  Big time.  We didn't do failure to launch.  No way.  And we knew it.  Our sons are 18 and 20 and out of the house!  It's something to be proud of in today's world.  It's not common among households.  It should be, but it's not.  Why is that?

I've been pondering this subject and decided to write a little bit about it in the hopes of helping parents with young children.  Parents of older ones, well, you may already be screwed.  Sorry.  This is because if you practiced the current societal trend of helicopter and coddle parenting tactics, your children by age 18 will not be ready to launch; to stand on their own two feet supporting themselves emotionally and beginning to financially as well.  Helicopter children rarely make their way out of your home and out from under your wing by their 20's because you haven't allowed them to fly--to be their own pilot.  This is especially so if you obsessively piloted that helicopter from day one.  To send a child of a helicopter parent out on their own at 18 would be like sending a young lion out into the wilderness without teeth.  I don't advise it.

I don't know where it came from, this over-whelming anxiety around raising children that turns into helicopter parenting.  What I do know is when I was a new high school teacher in the 90's, there was a shift in how parents parent; a shift away from how my parents and their generation did it.  I remember calling parents to discuss the inappropriate behavior of a few choice students in my classes.  Every parent, except one, didn't allow their child to take responsibility or ownership of their bad behavior.  They shifted the blame, moved into denial and were very reluctant to help their children evolve into young adult "grown ups" who behave properly in class.  This I noted was an extreme shift in parenting styles from my own parents and had seemingly happened over night.  I know if my parents had received a phone call from a teacher about my bad behavior, I'd have been grounded for life.  Not the case anymore, so much.

I share this experience to point out a foundational problem with helicopter parenting.  Helicopter parents shield their children from emotional intelligence growth, societal responsibility and natural adult evolution by learning from their mistakes.  Helicopter parents are the types that do everything for their kids; but, worst of all they tend to not allow their children to fall and face the consequences of failure in order to gain wisdom from that fall.  This over-protection of children leads to a very warped sense of reality for kids--especially in situations outside of the home, where the helicopter parent isn't present.  So coddling a kid leaves them very much at a loss as to how to cope, behave and function in the adult world.

Look the proof is in the pudding.  My dad's generation were fully functioning adults by 18.  My generation, I'll guess, by 21.  The millennials, well some of them seem to never grow up at least emotionally.  (I said some.)  The millennial trend of living at home well into their 20s--even late 20's--is growing.  The excuse is the high cost of living and difficulty to land a job.  My take on that is it's bullshit.  Anyone with gumption and emotional intelligence can make it through rough patches to make their way in this world by being resourceful.  But a child that had few opportunities for emotional growth will not have the gumption and drive it takes.  Of course everyone needs a leg up sometimes!  But when 3 months back at home turns into 3 years?  Houston, we have a problem.

I'm not saying kick your kids out.  I'm saying ensure that they're ready to be on their own by 18--or at least by 21.  Do this by backing off when they are young.  Get the hell out of their way and out of the helicopter.  Let your kids pilot a little and increase it with age.  Let your children always face the natural consequences of their actions.  If they're going to fail, let them.  Yes, be there to provide reasonable help after their fall and encourage them in their time of trouble.  But don't hold their hand so much that they never fall.  Hold their hand after, but just a little bit--enough to help them not quit.  Let them grow from experience!  Let them be.

Failure is the greatest teacher of all time.  You can be the greatest parent of all time if you allow your children to fail in order to rise up from failure.  Remember that.  When you don't allow your child to fail; to explore and fail; to face the consequences of their actions (especially their bad behavior) you cheat them from a happy satisfying life as an adult.  An adult who is capable of living on their own and making their way emotionally--even financially by their early 20's.

Any child, without special needs, is capable of learning to be a functioning adult by age 18 as long as parents stay out of their way, allowing them the opportunity to fall and learn how to pick themselves up, problem solve, become more independent and change their behavior if need be.  Any child.  And that's how I see it sometimes--definitely today.

How I See It Sometimes: Why Art in Education? Lots of reasons

How I See It Sometimes: Why Art in Education? Lots of reasons: 13 Reasons:  Why Art in Education? 1.  Art expresses human creative skill 2.  Art inspires contemplation 3.  Art is representationa...

Why Art in Education? Lots of reasons

13 Reasons:  Why Art in Education?

1.  Art expresses human creative skill

2.  Art inspires contemplation

3.  Art is representational of historical time periods

4.  Art is often social commentary

5.  Art is the physical application of imagination

6.  Art can reach the "unreachable"

7.  Art is storytelling

8.  Art has meaning even when it's not intended

9.  Art pushes boundaries

10. Art is always communication

11. Art connects us to each other

12. Art summons emotional power

13. Art frees logic up to questioning

Let’s face it.  Art mirrors life.  If we are in the business of educating children, then we must be in the business of teaching a little something about life and art.  Otherwise, we have lost our way. May I ask, “When did it all become reading, writing and math? When did education’s goal become high test scores and where your school ranks in the API index?”  Honestly, over the last few decades when art slowly but surely became less a priority in public education’s curriculum, that’s when.  

In general, school just isn’t that fun, engaging and interesting anymore.  I recently asked a group of scholarly girls if they liked school. Only one in five said yes.  The others said no flatly, decidedly. These were girls who received mostly A grades. I know because I asked.  I’d also seen them studying at the business center where I live a lot. So I knew they were serious about school and their grades.  How sad they weren’t enjoying school except for the “social scene” as one girl put it and as another put it, “School is so boring! I’m on my phone all day.” I then asked them if they thought art, music and dance would make school more fun and interesting.  The answer was a resounding YES from all five. One said, “that would be really cool.” Why aren’t we giving kids what they want in terms of art at school?

When I was a kid, I had art in all its forms on a daily basis in public school.  I also received a better education than my own children have and probably more so than those scholarly girls are having.  Shouldn’t something be done about this? Creating more successful educational experiences for students at public school, in terms of fostering in students a motivation to enjoy learning, could be set into motion by bringing back ART:  music, dance, singing, creative writing, painting, drawing, sculpting, dramatic performance, poetry, architecture, film, etc. Art turns on the brain in ways standard test score driven curriculum will never be able to do. Art gets the creative juices of the brain flowing. In turn, a creative active brain is capable of learning and retaining more than one less inspired or activated.

There is plenty of hard evidence supporting the positive influence art has on brain development.  In an article written by David A. Sousa for the American Association of School Administrators, entitled “How the Arts Develop the Young Brain,” Sousa writes:

Neuroscience research is revealing the impressive impact of arts instruction on the student’s cognitive, social and emotional development. Every culture on this planet has art forms.  Why is that? Neuroscientists continue to find clues as to how the mental and physical activities required for the arts are so fundamental to brain function...Certain brain areas respond only to music while others are devoted to initiating and coordinating movement from intense running to delicat sway of the arms.  Drama provokes specialized networks that focus on spoken language and stimulate emotions. Visual arts excite the internal visual processing system to recall reality or create fantasy with the same ease. 

This said it seems almost ludicrous that public education has virtually ignored the arts or at best retains some of them as “extra-curricular” activities or something some teachers use at their discretion within the classroom teaching environment.

An important thing to remember is a child’s brain develops until age 25 when the last but not least of the brain develops:  The frontal cortex--our reason, logic and rational command center. Until then, and especially in our teens, the amygdala is running the show.  Which explains why many teenagers are so emotional at times and why number 12, art summons emotional power, is crucial when thinking about brain development as it relates to curriculum.  

It has long been my opinion that emotional intelligence (EI) is as important, if not more so, than academic intelligence.  After all EI determines what types of relationships with those around us we’ll maintain: Healthy or not so. Sure high academic intelligence will get you into Harvard, but will it sustain you in life?  Probably not. At least not in a life worth living enhanced by great lasting relationships and, well, ART! Yes art enhances life, our relationships and our well-being because it evokes a healthy exploration of feelings, ideas and thoughts.  Art inspires discussions around questions like, “What do you think the artist was thinking about when she painted this scene?” Or “What do you think the artist was feeling when he wrote this overture?” Discussions around art, open up wonderful opportunities to engage children in relative meaningful learning around EI as they make connections between their own feelings and what the artist may have been feeling too, which leads us to number 2:  Art inspires contemplation.  

To become a strong critical thinker, time for contemplation is necessary.  The trick is finding an interesting subject to contemplate in the first place.  Otherwise, the task becomes rote and easily forgotten. Engagement is key. Art engages because it’s interesting.  There is always something within all the different forms of art that will pique a child’s interest. Once they’re there, then the task of contemplation is natural.  You won’t have to ask the child to go there. The child will contemplate the material on their own. All a teacher needs to do at this point is guide and open the child up to their own interpretations of the art or even let them experiment with the art form itself if possible.  Which brings us to number 6: Art reaches the unreachable. Because art is interesting it’s a fantastic vehicle in which to engage the unreachable child. As a result, art therapy is used to help children describe traumatic events. Perhaps a lot of the power in art to reach children is because it allows them to project their ideas, feelings and thoughts onto a medium that is not themselves.  Art is safe that way.

It has always baffled me that many, if not most, teachers when teaching literature or history or government or science or any subject for that matter don’t employ art!  How can this be? Art is natural curriculum material for all subjects taught. Art represents history (3), offers social commentary (4) and pushes boundaries (9) regarding philosophy, social conditions and political agendas; it’s a format of storytelling (7) and a type of communication (10) of thought, feelings, ideas and life.  Art is subjective and when used in the classroom it can be a powerful tool to personalize learning.  Art always has meaning for the recipient, even when the artist intended no such thing (8) and art enables logic (13) to free itself a little, to have fun, ask questions about logic itself and play with the other side of the brain relatively ignored in public schools--the artistic creative right side.  

As it happens, art is a powerful method of connecting (11) us to each other.  What teacher who truly wants to inspire students to learn thinks they can do this in a vacuum?  No, we cannot teach effectively without connecting to our students and art is an easy avenue to make relational connections not only to subject matter but to each other.  Art is proof of our own enduring human spirit and genius. All artistic endeavors by their very nature express human creative skill (1) and are the physical applications of human imagination (5) which engenders pertinent fertile ground for thinking, learning and applying what we learn in classrooms as well as in life.

Yes, “every culture on this planet has art forms” because art is an integral part of the human experience.  Are we teachers who simply teach to the test? Or are we guides leading our students to creativity, imagination and insight to unleash their grand potentials? We all know why the arts in education are needed.  We ought not turn a blind eye to the lack of the arts in education and ask ourselves: Why art in education? Then employ it in our lesson plans. To do otherwise would be to deny children the education they deserve and want.

Why Art in Education? Because, because, because! And that's how I see it sometimes.

How I See It Sometimes: Loving a Narcissist: Best Done By Loving Yourself...

How I See It Sometimes: Loving a Narcissist: Best Done By Loving Yourself...: Falling in love is one of the most euphoric and sought after feelings we as human beings desire.  It's wonderful to be in love, even wit...

Loving a Narcissist: Best Done By Loving Yourself More

Falling in love is one of the most euphoric and sought after feelings we as human beings desire.  It's wonderful to be in love, even with a narcissist--at least in the beginning and even for awhile.  Most narcissists are very charismatic and can literally charm the pants off you!  However, whether romantic or in business, any type of relationship with a narcissist ends up as a debilitating emotional and energetic train wreck.  Nobody wins this game.  The good news is trains have stations where you can get off and if you're smart you will.

For those who are unclear, a narcissist is anyone who gaslights you, triangulates you, marginalizes or minimizes you.  Gaslighting is a subtle form of emotional abuse employed to distort your sense of reality.  A narcissist will say, "You imagined it" or "That didn't happen" or whatever it is to make you think you don't know what you're talking about.  Gaslighting is  emotionally destructive.  It's a way of trivializing how important certain things are to you; it's a very manipulative tool, a subtle way of blame shifting; and, it can leave you feeling depressed or frustrated without knowing why.


Triangulation occurs when the narcissist, with their insatiable need for control, invites others into the picture to support their point of view.  This often happens when the narcissist projects their own bad behavior on to you and then begins a smear campaign against you.  Triangulation blindsides you, the unknowing partner, by enlisting the support of others behind your back.  An example of this is when the narcissist calls someone to complain about you right before you meet with this person.  Triangulation is simply when the narcissist manipulates a relationship between two parties by controlling communication between them. Yikes!  Happens all the time when involved with a narcissist.  Beware. 


Marginalizing or minimizing you is as it sounds.  Remember narcissists want to wear you down so you give into them.  They want to control you.  They're driven to achieve this in any way possible.  They'll become passive aggressive and/or tear you down and persecute you, subtly sometimes in the form of slights, back-handed compliments, telling you what you're thinking and why you do what you do.  They may make jokes about what you do, how you look or what you say on a fairly regular basis.  Narcissists are relentless.  They're expert abusers because it's hard to tell if you're being abused...you just feel terrible and often lose your self-confidence rapidly. 

Unlike you, narcissists are immune from the drama of argument.  Verbal sparring is their forte, their tool for control and they're excellent at it.  You cannot win an argument with a narcissist.  Believe me.  I know first hand.  I've learned the most important thing to remember when engaging in any type of verbal sparring with a narcissist is:  DON'T!  

Engagement is what they're after because they're built for argument.  It's not that they love the argument so much; it's more that argument is their tool for control.  A narcissist always wants to control you.  The question is will you let them?  Don't.  And I won't either.  We can be in this together.  Again loving a narcissist is best done by loving yourself first.  Get off that train at the next station.  Quit enabling your narcissist through communication. This is the best way to love them, albeit from afar.  Narcissists are never wrong in their minds:  You are. If you engage, they'll continue to feed off your energy while you get drained.  Get off the train before you end up the train wreck.  Remove yourself from the situation as fast as you can.  Shut your mouth because they never will.  You cannot win.  So move on.   And that's how I see it sometimes.

How I See It Sometimes: I had a bit of a bender the other night with a dea...

How I See It Sometimes: I had a bit of a bender the other night with a dea...: I had a bit of a bender the other night with a dear old friend of mine.  We sat for hours by the fire at the Estancia Hotel in La Jolla, phi...

I had a bit of a bender the other night with a dear old friend of mine.  We sat for hours by the fire at the Estancia Hotel in La Jolla, philosophizing, eating, laughing, drinking.  Let's just say "we closed the joint."  Every girl needs a girlfriend willing to drop everything on a Monday to spend time with you when you need it.  I've been here for a couple of days, a gift from a new friend who generously believes in "paying it forward"; who kindly reached out without pretense, without judgment--a woman who sees without saying, an elegant soul at the ready.  

The Estancia itself has a certain subtle elegance.  If it was alive, I'd say it's like old money, solid, secure, demure, not outspoken, just embodied quiet dignity in a way new money has trouble with.  In other words, it's not flashy and loud; it's just calm.  Currently, I'm looking out over the balcony.  I see verdant grounds, a humming bird, palms and magnolias sprinkle my view.  It's a visual feast of tranquility, a place of rest.  My room overlooks a tiled Spanish fountain.  As I found by leaving the slider open, the gurgling of the water fountain lures sleep gently--or maybe that was the wine!  Hard to say at the moment.

Earlier this morning, a mother was reprimanding her son from the balcony across the way, loudly.  Voices carry, especially angry ones.  Oh, I get it.  I have sons too.  Still a verbal beating is never OK and it's embarrassing when done in public--for the recipient and the innocent victims that have to put up with the racket ...at a luxury hotel?  Yes.  Need I say more?  Well actually I will.  This mom used the F-bomb more times than I could count.  So it was really embarrassing as well as distasteful.  

I describe this scene for 2 reasons:  One, as a call to be aware of your surroundings and how your behavior might "land" on others; and two, I believe simple common sense is lacking today and I'd like to bring it back into existence.  Unfortunately, I'm just a writer, not God.  First, I must point out I'm no saint myself, having put my foot in my mouth more times than I'd like to be "aware" of. I've also yelled at my kids, ask them.  But I did do it in my own home.  Does that make it better?  No.  It just involves less people.  At any rate, it seems obvious to me that things go down today more frequently than they did when I was growing up.  I'm talking about things like this stressed out mom yelling at her kid in public at the Estancia for the good part of an hour.  

So the awareness piece and the common sense needed which was missing this morning for this mother was:  I should probably take this inside...

Is this too much to ask?  To be cognizant of those around us?  To try to speak to one another with dignity and respect--even when we're angry?  Even to our kids?  Is this possible?  Yes.  I think it takes a certain amount of level-headed awareness and common sense though--as well as the desire to be emotionally mature as much as possible.  No adult temper tantrums allowed!  At least that's how I see it sometimes.  I truly think this mom might be mortified if she knew this piece was written because she made an ugly scene in a public place.  The sad thing is I'm not sure if this is in fact true.  Maybe she wouldn't even care.  It's my hope that most of us do care.  At the end of the day, we all can remember (I'm talking to myself too!) that cooler heads prevail.



(This was written a couple of weeks ago.  And yes, at some point I'll write a positive unicorn with flowers, hearts and rainbows piece.  I promise!  I'm actually not all bitching and complaining all the time.  In fact, I joke around a lot about human foibles and inconsistencies with friends in a lighthearted way. Ask Tiffany!  Anyway, I see foibles in human nature everywhere and think we can all do better in our lives.  It's my take too many of us are very stressed out and this shows up in bad behavior.  It may be good to note stress isn't happiness; and happiness is not something that happens to you.  Happiness is a type of discipline you can acquire which requires awareness of others needs and common sense about the consequences of your actions.  It also requires a solid view of the big picture, knowing when to cut your losses and no loss of hope!)