Loving a Narcissist: Best Done By Loving Yourself More

Falling in love is one of the most euphoric and sought after feelings we as human beings desire.  It's wonderful to be in love, even with a narcissist--at least in the beginning and even for awhile.  Most narcissists are very charismatic and can literally charm the pants off you!  However, whether romantic or in business, any type of relationship with a narcissist ends up as a debilitating emotional and energetic train wreck.  Nobody wins this game.  The good news is trains have stations where you can get off and if you're smart you will.

For those who are unclear, a narcissist is anyone who gaslights you, triangulates you, marginalizes or minimizes you.  Gaslighting is a subtle form of emotional abuse employed to distort your sense of reality.  A narcissist will say, "You imagined it" or "That didn't happen" or whatever it is to make you think you don't know what you're talking about.  Gaslighting is  emotionally destructive.  It's a way of trivializing how important certain things are to you; it's a very manipulative tool, a subtle way of blame shifting; and, it can leave you feeling depressed or frustrated without knowing why.


Triangulation occurs when the narcissist, with their insatiable need for control, invites others into the picture to support their point of view.  This often happens when the narcissist projects their own bad behavior on to you and then begins a smear campaign against you.  Triangulation blindsides you, the unknowing partner, by enlisting the support of others behind your back.  An example of this is when the narcissist calls someone to complain about you right before you meet with this person.  Triangulation is simply when the narcissist manipulates a relationship between two parties by controlling communication between them. Yikes!  Happens all the time when involved with a narcissist.  Beware. 


Marginalizing or minimizing you is as it sounds.  Remember narcissists want to wear you down so you give into them.  They want to control you.  They're driven to achieve this in any way possible.  They'll become passive aggressive and/or tear you down and persecute you, subtly sometimes in the form of slights, back-handed compliments, telling you what you're thinking and why you do what you do.  They may make jokes about what you do, how you look or what you say on a fairly regular basis.  Narcissists are relentless.  They're expert abusers because it's hard to tell if you're being abused...you just feel terrible and often lose your self-confidence rapidly. 

Unlike you, narcissists are immune from the drama of argument.  Verbal sparring is their forte, their tool for control and they're excellent at it.  You cannot win an argument with a narcissist.  Believe me.  I know first hand.  I've learned the most important thing to remember when engaging in any type of verbal sparring with a narcissist is:  DON'T!  

Engagement is what they're after because they're built for argument.  It's not that they love the argument so much; it's more that argument is their tool for control.  A narcissist always wants to control you.  The question is will you let them?  Don't.  And I won't either.  We can be in this together.  Again loving a narcissist is best done by loving yourself first.  Get off that train at the next station.  Quit enabling your narcissist through communication. This is the best way to love them, albeit from afar.  Narcissists are never wrong in their minds:  You are. If you engage, they'll continue to feed off your energy while you get drained.  Get off the train before you end up the train wreck.  Remove yourself from the situation as fast as you can.  Shut your mouth because they never will.  You cannot win.  So move on.   And that's how I see it sometimes.