I've been pondering this subject and decided to write a little bit about it in the hopes of helping parents with young children. Parents of older ones, well, you may already be screwed. Sorry. This is because if you practiced the current societal trend of helicopter and coddle parenting tactics, your children by age 18 will not be ready to launch; to stand on their own two feet supporting themselves emotionally and beginning to financially as well. Helicopter children rarely make their way out of your home and out from under your wing by their 20's because you haven't allowed them to fly--to be their own pilot. This is especially so if you obsessively piloted that helicopter from day one. To send a child of a helicopter parent out on their own at 18 would be like sending a young lion out into the wilderness without teeth. I don't advise it.
I don't know where it came from, this over-whelming anxiety around raising children that turns into helicopter parenting. What I do know is when I was a new high school teacher in the 90's, there was a shift in how parents parent; a shift away from how my parents and their generation did it. I remember calling parents to discuss the inappropriate behavior of a few choice students in my classes. Every parent, except one, didn't allow their child to take responsibility or ownership of their bad behavior. They shifted the blame, moved into denial and were very reluctant to help their children evolve into young adult "grown ups" who behave properly in class. This I noted was an extreme shift in parenting styles from my own parents and had seemingly happened over night. I know if my parents had received a phone call from a teacher about my bad behavior, I'd have been grounded for life. Not the case anymore, so much.
I share this experience to point out a foundational problem with helicopter parenting. Helicopter parents shield their children from emotional intelligence growth, societal responsibility and natural adult evolution by learning from their mistakes. Helicopter parents are the types that do everything for their kids; but, worst of all they tend to not allow their children to fall and face the consequences of failure in order to gain wisdom from that fall. This over-protection of children leads to a very warped sense of reality for kids--especially in situations outside of the home, where the helicopter parent isn't present. So coddling a kid leaves them very much at a loss as to how to cope, behave and function in the adult world.
Look the proof is in the pudding. My dad's generation were fully functioning adults by 18. My generation, I'll guess, by 21. The millennials, well some of them seem to never grow up at least emotionally. (I said some.) The millennial trend of living at home well into their 20s--even late 20's--is growing. The excuse is the high cost of living and difficulty to land a job. My take on that is it's bullshit. Anyone with gumption and emotional intelligence can make it through rough patches to make their way in this world by being resourceful. But a child that had few opportunities for emotional growth will not have the gumption and drive it takes. Of course everyone needs a leg up sometimes! But when 3 months back at home turns into 3 years? Houston, we have a problem.
I'm not saying kick your kids out. I'm saying ensure that they're ready to be on their own by 18--or at least by 21. Do this by backing off when they are young. Get the hell out of their way and out of the helicopter. Let your kids pilot a little and increase it with age. Let your children always face the natural consequences of their actions. If they're going to fail, let them. Yes, be there to provide reasonable help after their fall and encourage them in their time of trouble. But don't hold their hand so much that they never fall. Hold their hand after, but just a little bit--enough to help them not quit. Let them grow from experience! Let them be.
Failure is the greatest teacher of all time. You can be the greatest parent of all time if you allow your children to fail in order to rise up from failure. Remember that. When you don't allow your child to fail; to explore and fail; to face the consequences of their actions (especially their bad behavior) you cheat them from a happy satisfying life as an adult. An adult who is capable of living on their own and making their way emotionally--even financially by their early 20's.
Any child, without special needs, is capable of learning to be a functioning adult by age 18 as long as parents stay out of their way, allowing them the opportunity to fall and learn how to pick themselves up, problem solve, become more independent and change their behavior if need be. Any child. And that's how I see it sometimes--definitely today.
No comments:
Post a Comment