Loving a Narcissist: Best Done By Loving Yourself More

Falling in love is one of the most euphoric and sought after feelings we as human beings desire.  It's wonderful to be in love, even with a narcissist--at least in the beginning and even for awhile.  Most narcissists are very charismatic and can literally charm the pants off you!  However, whether romantic or in business, any type of relationship with a narcissist ends up as a debilitating emotional and energetic train wreck.  Nobody wins this game.  The good news is trains have stations where you can get off and if you're smart you will.

For those who are unclear, a narcissist is anyone who gaslights you, triangulates you, marginalizes or minimizes you.  Gaslighting is a subtle form of emotional abuse employed to distort your sense of reality.  A narcissist will say, "You imagined it" or "That didn't happen" or whatever it is to make you think you don't know what you're talking about.  Gaslighting is  emotionally destructive.  It's a way of trivializing how important certain things are to you; it's a very manipulative tool, a subtle way of blame shifting; and, it can leave you feeling depressed or frustrated without knowing why.


Triangulation occurs when the narcissist, with their insatiable need for control, invites others into the picture to support their point of view.  This often happens when the narcissist projects their own bad behavior on to you and then begins a smear campaign against you.  Triangulation blindsides you, the unknowing partner, by enlisting the support of others behind your back.  An example of this is when the narcissist calls someone to complain about you right before you meet with this person.  Triangulation is simply when the narcissist manipulates a relationship between two parties by controlling communication between them. Yikes!  Happens all the time when involved with a narcissist.  Beware. 


Marginalizing or minimizing you is as it sounds.  Remember narcissists want to wear you down so you give into them.  They want to control you.  They're driven to achieve this in any way possible.  They'll become passive aggressive and/or tear you down and persecute you, subtly sometimes in the form of slights, back-handed compliments, telling you what you're thinking and why you do what you do.  They may make jokes about what you do, how you look or what you say on a fairly regular basis.  Narcissists are relentless.  They're expert abusers because it's hard to tell if you're being abused...you just feel terrible and often lose your self-confidence rapidly. 

Unlike you, narcissists are immune from the drama of argument.  Verbal sparring is their forte, their tool for control and they're excellent at it.  You cannot win an argument with a narcissist.  Believe me.  I know first hand.  I've learned the most important thing to remember when engaging in any type of verbal sparring with a narcissist is:  DON'T!  

Engagement is what they're after because they're built for argument.  It's not that they love the argument so much; it's more that argument is their tool for control.  A narcissist always wants to control you.  The question is will you let them?  Don't.  And I won't either.  We can be in this together.  Again loving a narcissist is best done by loving yourself first.  Get off that train at the next station.  Quit enabling your narcissist through communication. This is the best way to love them, albeit from afar.  Narcissists are never wrong in their minds:  You are. If you engage, they'll continue to feed off your energy while you get drained.  Get off the train before you end up the train wreck.  Remove yourself from the situation as fast as you can.  Shut your mouth because they never will.  You cannot win.  So move on.   And that's how I see it sometimes.

How I See It Sometimes: I had a bit of a bender the other night with a dea...

How I See It Sometimes: I had a bit of a bender the other night with a dea...: I had a bit of a bender the other night with a dear old friend of mine.  We sat for hours by the fire at the Estancia Hotel in La Jolla, phi...

I had a bit of a bender the other night with a dear old friend of mine.  We sat for hours by the fire at the Estancia Hotel in La Jolla, philosophizing, eating, laughing, drinking.  Let's just say "we closed the joint."  Every girl needs a girlfriend willing to drop everything on a Monday to spend time with you when you need it.  I've been here for a couple of days, a gift from a new friend who generously believes in "paying it forward"; who kindly reached out without pretense, without judgment--a woman who sees without saying, an elegant soul at the ready.  

The Estancia itself has a certain subtle elegance.  If it was alive, I'd say it's like old money, solid, secure, demure, not outspoken, just embodied quiet dignity in a way new money has trouble with.  In other words, it's not flashy and loud; it's just calm.  Currently, I'm looking out over the balcony.  I see verdant grounds, a humming bird, palms and magnolias sprinkle my view.  It's a visual feast of tranquility, a place of rest.  My room overlooks a tiled Spanish fountain.  As I found by leaving the slider open, the gurgling of the water fountain lures sleep gently--or maybe that was the wine!  Hard to say at the moment.

Earlier this morning, a mother was reprimanding her son from the balcony across the way, loudly.  Voices carry, especially angry ones.  Oh, I get it.  I have sons too.  Still a verbal beating is never OK and it's embarrassing when done in public--for the recipient and the innocent victims that have to put up with the racket ...at a luxury hotel?  Yes.  Need I say more?  Well actually I will.  This mom used the F-bomb more times than I could count.  So it was really embarrassing as well as distasteful.  

I describe this scene for 2 reasons:  One, as a call to be aware of your surroundings and how your behavior might "land" on others; and two, I believe simple common sense is lacking today and I'd like to bring it back into existence.  Unfortunately, I'm just a writer, not God.  First, I must point out I'm no saint myself, having put my foot in my mouth more times than I'd like to be "aware" of. I've also yelled at my kids, ask them.  But I did do it in my own home.  Does that make it better?  No.  It just involves less people.  At any rate, it seems obvious to me that things go down today more frequently than they did when I was growing up.  I'm talking about things like this stressed out mom yelling at her kid in public at the Estancia for the good part of an hour.  

So the awareness piece and the common sense needed which was missing this morning for this mother was:  I should probably take this inside...

Is this too much to ask?  To be cognizant of those around us?  To try to speak to one another with dignity and respect--even when we're angry?  Even to our kids?  Is this possible?  Yes.  I think it takes a certain amount of level-headed awareness and common sense though--as well as the desire to be emotionally mature as much as possible.  No adult temper tantrums allowed!  At least that's how I see it sometimes.  I truly think this mom might be mortified if she knew this piece was written because she made an ugly scene in a public place.  The sad thing is I'm not sure if this is in fact true.  Maybe she wouldn't even care.  It's my hope that most of us do care.  At the end of the day, we all can remember (I'm talking to myself too!) that cooler heads prevail.



(This was written a couple of weeks ago.  And yes, at some point I'll write a positive unicorn with flowers, hearts and rainbows piece.  I promise!  I'm actually not all bitching and complaining all the time.  In fact, I joke around a lot about human foibles and inconsistencies with friends in a lighthearted way. Ask Tiffany!  Anyway, I see foibles in human nature everywhere and think we can all do better in our lives.  It's my take too many of us are very stressed out and this shows up in bad behavior.  It may be good to note stress isn't happiness; and happiness is not something that happens to you.  Happiness is a type of discipline you can acquire which requires awareness of others needs and common sense about the consequences of your actions.  It also requires a solid view of the big picture, knowing when to cut your losses and no loss of hope!)

How I See It Sometimes: Naked Jacuzzi or Jello?

How I See It Sometimes: Naked Jacuzzi or Jello?: I find days slip away from me.  I have good intentions like all of us, but sometimes I think tomorrow is another day!  I'm ...

Naked Jacuzzi or Jello?

I find days slip away from me.  I have good intentions like all of us, but sometimes I think tomorrow is another day!  I'm sure you can relate?  Procrastination is a bitch.  So is Karma.  I believe they're related.  So here I go, learn from the past, live for today--and tomorrow if you're wise!  I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately, particularly friendships.  This piece is dedicated to those solid friends who get showing up is better than false platitudes and a 1000 "I love you's" in a row. The dear old friends and new, standing tall through thick and thin.

I've had the opportunity to be around 2 juxtaposed social groups:  Mormons and CCs (not to be confused with sissies) or rather the "Conscious" community--at least that's what they call themselves as if the rest of us are, well, I don't know?  Unconscious?  

Anyway, both groups are extremely different in their views on how to bring about a good life.  And both groups fear each other—or rather tolerate each other, which in my mind is just a way to patronize others and hide extreme dislike towards said others and how these others choose to live.  Oh, it's done in the name of fairness, you know giving others space to do those awful things that are only “tolerated” by the group that knows better.  Truly if you think about it, the word tolerate is ridiculous in most contexts.  Let's just say love is a better word and love is a verb as well as a noun.  However, it’s felt in action—as a VERB. 

So, back to these two very different but not so different groups.   One group is conservative, traditional, rule followers; the other is liberal, non-traditional, rule breakers—well at least the social norm rules. As it goes, Mormons like ice-cream socials, clothing mandatory.  CC's sometimes like clothing optional co-ed social events (think Burning Man) where some people are in bathing suits (me but NOT in that Jacuzzi!) and some people are in their birthday suits (think old men, 60 plus), everyone all innocent of course.  Yes, it's kind of gross depending on how you look at it, I guess.  I try not to look, sometimes unsuccessfully unfortunately.  Anyway, if we drew a line we’d find Mormons (even most God centered religious social groups) on the far right and the CCs on the far left. 

So, the strange thing is this: Many people of the far right (Mormons) and also of the far left (CCs) are similar, at least in how they handle friendship--if not in the way they handle clothing.  This summation comes from my either limited or not so limited experience spending time within both social groups.  At best, I’m left wondering why these groups are so similar in this regard:  Love you when you’re up; leave you when you’re down.  I think Eric Clapton says it best:  

Once I lived the life of a millionaire,

Spent all my money, I just did not care.
Took all my friends out for a good time,
Bought bootleg liquor, champagne and wine.

Then I began to fall so low,
Lost all my good friends, I did not have nowhere to go.
I get my hands on a dollar again,
I'm gonna hang on to it till that eagle grins.

'Cause no, no, nobody knows you
When you're down and out.
In your pocket, not one penny,
And as for friends, you don't have any.

When you finally get back up on your feet again,
Everybody wants to be your old long-lost friend.
Said it's mighty strange, without a doubt,
Nobody knows you when you're down and out.

Let me put it to you this way, when I was Mormon I went to church every Sunday.  Then I stopped.  Whenever I'd run into someone I knew from church, I'd get an ultra-sweet voice saying, "I miss you!"  I'd think "Really?  You have my number.  I haven't heard from you in more than a year."  As much as I wanted to say that, I'd  say something like, "It's good to see you.  How are your kids?"  I didn't miss these people, not really.  If I had, I'd have called them to walk or go to lunch.  So why would I say I missed them when I didn't?  And why did they say they missed me? I know politeness goes along way, but doesn't being polite include honesty?

I don't have all the answers, but I think where these Mormons get it wrong is in their need to be nice, pleasant, agreeable.  So, their overwhelming need to please overrides sincerity.   Ummm, how can I say this gingerly?  Look they were insincere, which in my mind is pretty damn close to lying if not the same thing.  Let's just say I saw through them, which only made me want to stay away from church even more.  

So, I left my marriage and the church.  If you're Mormon that's when you find out who your true friends at church are.  I found out I had very few real friends in the Mormon church.  I don't know maybe the rest of them thought divorce was catching?  Or maybe as my Mormon marriage counselor said, “Some of them may fear you because you represent change and they too are in unhappy marriages; but are afraid to leave their husbands and are in denial.  You scare them.”  Anyway, I don’t know if he was correct, but I sure did find myself alone pretty fast in that social circle.  Thank God for the handful who really do love me and weren't just paying me lip service all those years.

So now we move to the far left.  I had the recent pleasure or displeasure of spending time with some CC individuals at a party--everyone was clothed, thank God.  The host was a sweetheart, but maybe that's because he's from a part of the country where manners are still part of one's upbringing.  At any rate, I was left by my boyfriend for 2 hours, while he got a massage from a woman he just met.  More on that in another blog, to be continued after this one.  

While he was getting a massage, I had the opportunity to meet 3 different CC peeps. Then I took a nap on a sheepskin rug surrounded by crystals and a large Buddha statue because, well, I was bored out of my mind.  Was it because while talking to, or shall I say being talked at by these 3, I was amazed at how much these brilliant progressives liked to talk about themselves, incessantly?  Well for sure, not one of them asked me a single question, nor made any indication they were interested in anything other than being admired by me.  So I sat listening while they listed all their "downloads" and accomplishments within the predominantly vegan conscious capital world.  Next time I get insomnia, I know who to invite for a sleep-over.

I did learn one thing though.  I asked one of them why as a vegan he didn't eat eggs.  I was told it was because they have potential life.  True story.  But it's the lives of chickens!  Does anyone see irony here?  Question of the day:  Abortion or an omelet?   Hmmm, what a dilemma.  Which is the lesser evil?  Which do I tolerate?

I wish I could say it gets better but it doesn't.  After this party, I went to lunch with a new friend, who happens to be in the CC community, entrenched for years practically a founding member for all the right reasons.  He has been in a funk recently.  Having ridden high on innovative projects and promoting events, he has over the last year or so lost many prospects and the love of a woman he had been living with.  Let's just say he's fallen low.  He decided to reach out to friends in a heartfelt letter, not asking for hand-outs, but merely opportunities for work and connections.  Everyone he reached out to had been in their past someone my friend had helped to make the right connections; some of whom have been helped by my friend to catapult into extreme money-making business ventures.  As it goes, all are in positions to assist my friend in getting his feet back on the ground.  All but one person didn't even respond to his letter.  Almost all of his "friends" blew him off.  Only one person answered and that was to basically say, "Sorry dude, really busy now.  I can't."  I was floored.  

When I told my friend Tiffany about this scenario in comparison to some of the ones I'd experienced as a Mormon she said, "Well at least the Mormons will bring you Jello when you're sick."  They will.  They are duty bound, which when you're sick is all that matters.  So there you have it.  Naked Jacuzzi or Jello?

Let's face it, I do have dear friends in both the Mormon community and the CC community--after writing this the real ones will stand by!  At any rate, there are truly great people in both communities.  I guess I’m just not “aligned” with either group as a whole that much.  Jacuzzi and Jello are just not my thing.  Maybe a Jello Jacuzzi is what I need!  At the end of the day, my folks land somewhere in the middle, living simple but spectacular lives doing good where they see fit.  

My real friends get what service, generosity and reciprocity feels like.  So they do it.  And I find they’re the ones who love the most without really talking about it much. They're the "got your back" no matter what types. They love as a verb and this manifests in their actions.  In my life, they seem to be the ones who are there when I or anyone they love needs them.  

The far right and the far left do love too, but as a thing, a noun.  They talk a lot.  Yet it’s my experience, they often forget love is an action word, a verb.  At the end of the day, you can speak about love until your blue in the face, or sit cross-legged gazing into the eyes of another while placing your palm on their heart as they do the same to you and you can do this until the cows come home...but that isn't love.

Love is meaningful as a verb.  It manifests in sincere actions, always--or it does not.  At least that's how I see it sometimes, today and always actually.  Nobody needs a naked Jacuzzi or Jello.  Not really.  But everyone needs love working in their lives, reciprocating health and well-being amongst one another.  Love lifting each other up.  There will be a time or two when you're down and out.  So there will always be a need for love as a verb.  And that's how I see it sometimes.